Stay at home mom

Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be famous. As time went on, I wanted to be a pilot, a dancer, a singer, an astronaut, a vet, and every other job that looked fabulous in my eyes. One thing that was always constant was wanting to be a mom. Not just any mom, but a mom that would stay at home with her children.

When I got pregnant with Ryder, I knew without a doubt that I was meant to be his mother. I had to work while being his mom, and it devastated me to leave him every single day. Even part-time work killed me. I knew I had to take care of him. He was my number one priority in life, and I didn't want to let him down.

When Riley and I were dating, we both decided that I would stay home with our kids. I worked for the first year or two off and on, but only for extra income for play money. When I quit altogether, it was hard, but it was the best decision of my life. Ryder still tells me to this day that he is so glad I am home whenever he needs me. For me, growing up, it was comforting having my mom around. Watching tv with her, or just knowing she was in the next room, always made me feel at peace and cared for.

Two more kids later and I am still ever so thankful for being a stay at home mom. Although there are days where I regret it, when I look for a job or think about leaving my home, I realize there is no way that I would ever be able to do that. I get anxiety just thinking about it. I hate the thought of someone else with my kids throughout the day, even if its someone that I love and know very well.

Momming is incredibly hard and a thankless job. Especially with all the criticism in the world today. My mom skills have sucked this year, and this has been one of the hardest years/summers of my entire life. Three kids and two dogs 24/7, depression, anxiety, and being a housewife!? Most days, I could not even function right.

My mom guilt has been immense, and I go to bed almost every night in tears. I always feel like I am failing and that I am not good enough. The truth is, sometimes I do suck and lay around depressed and let my kids fend for themselves. Sometimes I don't do laundry until we run out of underwear. My house is most certainly cluttered with dishes piled up in the sink on the daily. That does not make me a bad mom, though. Yes, I can say that over and over again that I am not a bad mom, but that doesn't mean that I believe it. I am working on that. I am working on knowing my self worth and becoming a better version of my self. It is just taking some time, but little by little, I will get there. My kids know they are loved, and that is what matters most to me.

Moms that leave their children and go to work, I envy but also look up to you mamas! Working moms and stay at home moms everywhere are hero's to the world and their families. You need to do what is right for you and don't let judgment get to you. Stay positive! You are needed and wanted! You are doing a great job, mama. Keep up the excellent work!