Discovery Day

I never imagined that there would be a day where my heart would stop beating, and I would stop living. Instead, I was surviving, going through the motions of life day by day without feeling anything.

Riley and I got married on July 21st, 2012. We started counseling in February of 2015. Our marital issues were small for an outsider, but to us, they meant everything. We could never agree, we didn't respect each other, and we were always fighting about money, work, and family. I felt like a crazy person because I was constantly accusing Riley of cheating, and every time he left, I am filled with fear, anxiety, and always had to be checking upon him. Riley has always been shady and always hid things.

Our counselor would meet with us separately and together. After three years he had me convinced that I was kidding myself, Riley was faithful, and I'm acting crazy for no reason.

December 2016, I finally believed that I genuinely did love Riley, and we were meant to be together. I finally thought that he truly loved me and was faithful to me. We spent ten days in Mexico together without our children or our phones, and it was the best ten days of our entire relationship. When we returned, we were closer and more connected than ever. So we started to try for a third child. At the end of February 2017, we found out we were pregnant, and we could not be more excited or more in love, or so I thought.

March 1st, 2017, could not have been a better morning spent together As a family watching cartoons, making breakfast together and of course having lots of sex. Riley showed me a house on his iPhone, after looking at the home, I proceeded to close out of his apps like I always do. I came across an app called "Tagged." When Riley looked over and saw what I was looking at on his phone, he wrestled me to the ground and took his phone away. I asked him what I had just seen, and he began to deny everything and told me I was crazy, and I didn't see anything.

Riley left his phone in the kitchen and spent the rest of the afternoon in our bedroom watching TV. I took his phone and re-downloaded the app that he had secretly deleted. I typed in his email and password that I got right on the first try because he is very predictable. What I saw on this app made me doubt everything for the past five years. There were over a thousand messages to Thousands of women. The more messages I read, the more disgusted and repulsed I became with the man that I married. He had been sexting women for five years. That was our entire relationship together.

I confronted Riley, and he started crying and apologizing over and over. I empathized with him, but I was so angry. We were up all night talking and crying and holding each other. The next morning I kicked Riley out of the house. He went to Boise for the weekend to stay with his brother so we could think things through separately. That was the hardest goodbye I have ever experienced. We held each other so tightly and cried together. He was hugging me on his knees just sobbing. I didn't think my heart could shatter anymore, but that goodbye did the impossible. I wanted to hold him forever and not let him go. I wanted him to stay, but more than anything, I wanted him to leave, and I never wanted to see his face again. I was extremely conflicted with so much hurt and pain.

I put on cartoons for the kids, and I walked outside and watched Riley disappear down the road. I slowly walked back inside, curled myself up on the couch And uncontrollably sobbed for hours.

Thus began the beginning of the rest of our lives.