Why have an Affair that’s so Stupid!

Okay, don't' even get me started on this post. I roll my eyes; I hate the wording (For my best!? WTH is that all about??) and it was probably written in a time where Riley wasn't even sober. But so be it. It is his truth and only he can write about that. He has never been one to be great with words anyway, so I go off of his actions and recovery and not things like this blog post. So here it is, eye roll worthy and all.

_______________

Who in their right mind would have an affair? Absolutely No one! But someone who is not, more than likely could. Why or how can something like this come to pass? Well, it happened to me. I feel so stupid and terrible that I did this. My affair came from my drug (pornography) not being enough. I was not checking in with anyone, I was the only one living with what was going on in my head. Not exactly a great place to be by myself. I need more people in my corner, letting them know what I am feeling and going through.

I did not want someone to go fall in love with. I wanted friends with benefits or just the benefits. I felt like I had who I loved but just needed something to fix my craving for sex. As a sex addict you can never have enough. It cannot be cured that way. It is something you have to learn to control.

I began my affair with an online dating profile. That was hidden by a private browser. I did not want Tiffany to know what I was up to. I found someone that I felt was cute and began chatting with her. She was not from Idaho, so I thought perfect I would be ok, and I would not have a physical affair. But I probably should have known it was going to happen. When you play with snakes, eventually, you will get bitten. I began to feel like the grass was greener on the other side. I felt like Tiffany didn’t love me in the way a husband and wife should. (But neither was I)

Not too long after communicating with Missy, we set up a time to meet. The physical affair had now happened. It was underway, it felt crazy, wild, and something I had never done before, but also nerve-racking. After meeting for the first time, I felt like there was something better out there. My feelings were all over the place, unsure of myself, lost, but I was also on a super high as far as I could tell. The communication was off and on until 2 months later, and then things got more intense. I was to the point I felt I was ready to leave Tiffany, but I did not want to end our relationship on a bad note... Well, little did I know I was making it way worse. Tiffany would find out through text messages I did not delete.

We fought, well more like she yelled at me while I sat there with nothing to say. All I wanted is for her to not take the kids from me. (What a dick) My daughter RaeLynn overheard everything. Tiff told her to say goodbye to me, she came in crying. That is when it hit me in how bad and numb, I had been in my situation. I had no idea that she knew what was going on, but she did. I had been so numb from my feelings up to this point. I had not realized the damage I was causing my own kids. I felt this was only my thing. How dead wrong I was. Sadly, I was not done being in my addiction.

I was then kicked out of the house. I did not want anyone in my family to know what was going on. So, I went and stayed in a place that Missy had picked out for us to move into when she would move to Idaho. I was told I could not see the kids, so I left to see Missy. I helped her move out to Idaho. (Which she did not end up staying long) Tiffany had been messaging me a good portion of my trip back to Idaho, wanting me to come back so that we could talk. I agreed to it.

I do not remember everything that was going through my mind when we did talk. But I knew I did not want to end our relationship. I felt that things had to change for us to stay together. I feel I stayed more for the kids than I did for my relationship with Tiffany. Later on, I would learn that staying with Tiffany was for my best. I have learned how strong she really is! I do not deserve an amazing woman like her. She stands by me at my worst and my best. I wish I could say I have done the same for her, but I cannot.

___________________________________________

Okay so the healthier in my mindset I am, the more I realize that it's not a terrible blog post, only when I'm super triggered is it awful. But "for my best" is still a sore spot or a middle finger in the air if you will. Was this post even finished? I mean... Who could know. But it's been sitting in my drafts for 2 years now. So here it is for my loyal readers (Thank You!) who have been wondering Riley's side.

I love you guys!

You are worth so much more than the crap you are going through.

Keep fighting and moving forward.

I'm cheering for you and standing in your corner.

You are worthy and so loved!

Much Love,

Tiffany