The RIGHT Therapist

The first time Riley and I met our therapist Crew, I was not impressed at all. I felt like he was on Riley's side because he was a male, he bypassed things that I thought were important, and I felt judged. When we got home that night I cried for hours, and I couldn't sleep, I called Sasha and cried my eyes out while googling what type of therapist I needed. Our church was helping us pay for therapy until our deductible was met, and he was the only therapist close by that our insurance would cover. I felt stuck. Sasha told me to make a list of everything that I didn't like about the session we had and confront him about it. She talked me through it for over an hour, helped me to calm down and made me feel better. After I made a list of things, I wanted to talk with Crew about I was able to sleep a lot better.

In my next therapy session, I went in with my list and got up enough courage to talk with him about everything that bothered/concerned me. To my surprise, he was in complete shock and very apologetic. From then on, our relationship was a lot different because he knew I would be frank with him (which is what he preferred), and we were always straight forward with each other. He met with us individually and together, but I hated that so much. So I told him I didn't appreciate that because me being in the room should not change mine or Riley's answer. We were a team and needed to be completely honest with each other. Well little did I know Crew knew what he was doing, but I wouldn't allow it. So we always met together.

We did make leaps and bounds with Crew about family life, parenthood, and our marriage. But the problems with our relationship were always up and down. We would be perfect for a month and then miserable for months at a time. We were a roller coaster with no straight path.

I was always skeptical of Riley and felt he was shady and cheating on me. Crew would always tell me that he knew Riley and had talked with Riley, and he knows what Riley believes, and he would never do that to me. He made me question my thinking. So when I went to him about Riley's addiction, he then proceeded to tell me that he is not surprised and he knew something was off. So I felt utterly stunned by him and very bitter. If he thought this, then why didn't he say something. He fooled me into thinking Riley would never do what he just did.

We continued with him together and separately for six months, but we reached a point where we weren't getting anywhere. So I looked into different counselors that specifically specialized in sex addiction, and I narrowed it down to 3. I confronted Riley, and all hell broke loose. We fought a lot about it and could never agree. I told Riley if he wanted to stay with our counselor that was fine, but I needed someone else who could help me. We decided on Trevor (the counselor I have now), and I am ever so thankful that we did!

The intake that we both had to do was very in-depth and emotional. It took over an hour to complete. We met separately with Trevor, and together. I am perfectly fine with meeting individually now because I know Trevor is helping Riley in ways that Crew never did. After the first few sessions, Riley told me that he felt more into recovery then he had before. I was also getting more out of my counseling sessions. I felt like I was beginning to find my worth.

I will forever be grateful to Crew. Although I did not like him at first, I grew to love him over the three years we saw him. I miss talking to him, and he is an incredible guy. He helped Riley, and I make leaps and bounds in our relationship. It just hit a point where we needed to move on. We had learned all we could learn from him.

Nothing is wrong with moving on or jumping from therapist to therapist. You need to find who is right for you! We stuck with Crew because of the financial situation that we were in, and because he knew our story. It's exhausting retelling your story to thousands of different therapists. But honestly, it is worth it. Don't be afraid to ask your therapist the hard questions. Especially right out of the gate. This is how you know whether or not you want to pursue them or if you think they are right for you.

Trevor called me and talked to me on the phone before we saw him in person, and I felt so comfortable with him. He was to the point and compassionate. Trevor told me what he has done for other people to help them in similar situations and answered every question I asked.

To get the most out of counseling and your therapist, here are six guidelines to stick by.

1. Do your research

2. Ask the hard questions

3. Be completely honest

4. It's okay to switch therapists

5. Your therapist should be giving you homework. Going to counseling isn't going to help you if you don't do the work on the things that you talk about.

6. DO the work. Doing the work is the only way to grow and learn. Even if you don't like it. It's hard, and not easy or fun. You do it to grow and be better! Just do it!