My Emotional Prayer

I questioned whether or not to post this, as I wrote this on a horrible night. Every emotion I have ever felt is in this post and the most vulnerable one so far. I honestly hope at least one person can read this, relate, and know they are not alone.

Heavenly Father, I'm sorry that I have turned my back on you. Going to church has been extremely hard for me. I am scared to heal for fear of getting hurt again. I am afraid to turn to you. I am scared of what you have in store for me. I am fearful of getting an answer to my prayers. I fear that the life that I'm living will not get better, even though I want it to so badly. I fear that maybe it's not the life that I deserve or that I'm meant to have. I fear that I'm supposed to leave the life that I'm living behind me, and move forward. I am scared of my past catching up to my future and make everything that I'm feeling worse. I think some things are holding me back, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to fix them yet. I'm scared to do the work. Sometimes I want to be depressed. I want to be the victim. There are times I don't want to survive. I don't want to be fixed.

Heavenly Father that scares me. I am always living in fear. My husband has his addictions that he is trying to work through, and I know that I cannot help him. He can only help himself. I know I am the only one that can help me. I'm not sure if I want to help myself. I have addictions of my own. I fear that I am addicted to food. Food makes me happy in the moment, but it also makes me sick afterward. I want to love myself, and I want to love my body. Ever since I was little, my dad would always tell me that I would be so beautiful if I would lose 20 pounds. That phrase would crush my soul, and yet I would turn to food every time. Every time I'm sad, or I'm lonely, I turn to food. When I'm not hungry, I turn to food. I am disgusted with myself. I feel like I am trying to punish my dad and my husband to see if they will still love me the same way if I am fat. I know I'm just punishing myself, but I can't stop it, I don't have the will power. I'm scared that it's going to end my life. I am an emotional wreck. My antidepressants are not working, and they have not been for a while. There is a part of me that doesn't want to change that. I want to be able to fix this on my own without a pill.

To top off all of these emotions that I'm feeling, Riley has not been checking in with me. It scares me. I wonder if he is playing me for a fool again. I don't know what to do. I feel like all the bad stuff that has happened to me last month is your way of telling me to come back to the church. If I change, you will guide me. I don't know why that's so hard for me to do because I feel like I want nothing more. I yearn for the gospel. I have seen the good that it has done for my life and many others. So why is it so hard? I want to be happy, loved, and needed. I need somebody who can do that for me. I can't do that for myself. Please give me a good friend I can lean on and talk with daily who is supportive, and kind. Please let me see the good in my life. Help me to want to help myself. Help me to want to stay on this earth and live my best life. Help me to be the person that I know I can be. I deserve to be. Help me to be the mom that I want to be more than anything. Heavenly Father, please! I beg of you. I plead with you. Help me find myself and my passion. I know it cannot just be handed to me. Recovery, healing, a healthy marriage, and an eternal family is a process and hard work. But I know it will be worth it. I need more of a want — more of a desire to make something good happen to me.

I promise that I will do better, and I will strive to be the best version of me that I know you would want and need me to be. I don't want to be scared anymore. I don't like living in fear. I don't like living in the past. I want to take control of my life and not worry about the things that I cannot control. I need you more than ever. I need my family more than ever.

Most importantly, I need the support and care from the loving man that I married. I need him to strive to be the best version of himself. I need him to do that for him. I need him to help us out and see how great he is. If anybody can beat this addiction, I know it's him. I know he has it in him, and I have the faith that he can do it. I hope he starts trying a little harder and loving me a little better. I hope he can do this before it's too late. I'm sorry I let you down, and I'm sorry I let myself down. I hope you can forgive me that I can forgive myself. I will try harder.

Amen