Addo Recovery (Betrayal trauma intensive)

When I found out there was an intensive with Dr. Kevin Skinner at Addo Recovery in Utah, I applied without telling Riley. I finally confronted Riley a few days later, and I told him I had a very high chance of getting accepted to go and that this was not an option, I was going to go no matter what.

I was very fortunate to be accepted out of hundreds of women who applied. Although I was extremely excited to go, I was also very nervous. This would be the first time in my entire life that I would be driving to Utah and spending the night in a hotel all by myself — finding my way all by myself — only having to depend on me and nobody else. I have always depended and counted on other people to lead the way and help me. So the fact that I had to do this all alone was terrifying to me.

Driving down to Addo, I was crapping my pants the whole ride. I didn't know what to expect. What the three other ladies would be like or if we would even get along. I was wondering if I would get lost if I could count on myself to survive this weekend trip.

Once I stepped through those doors the next morning, I was the first one there, and I immediately felt at peace. I knew this was where I was supposed to be. The Addo team is incredible. Dr. Skinner is so amazing and humble. I love listening to him and learning from him. We did a lot of journaling, yoga, healthy eating, and healing work. The other ladies that were with me were from all over the world. It amazed me at how different and traumatic our stories were, but how connected we were able to be with each other. I was terrified to be vulnerable with strangers, but once I opened up and shared my story, I felt relieved. We made a connection and have become friends for life, and we can connect and understand each other in a way that no one else can. I am so lucky to have been in the presence of such amazing strong women, and an inspiring counselor who makes us all feel so loved and of value, and teaches us the tools that we need to succeed and believe what he was telling us.

One of the most significant points that I learned that weekend was about painful memories. It does not matter how you remember the memory. What matters is what that painful memory made you believe about yourself. (Faulty core beliefs) Multiple experiences are what validate a belief.

Learning that was huge for me because one of my faulty core beliefs that I had ever since I was a child was "I'm not good enough." So when Riley's addiction came out, it reinforced that belief. Despite everything, I always felt like I was at least good enough for my spouse. The day I found out is when that faulty belief came forward faster and harder than ever. Part of my recovery is rebuilding that belief and creating what my truth is. I know that I am good enough, but believing it is an entirely different story.

I'm very thankful that Addo was able to pave the right path for me to be able to move forward with healthy coping mechanisms and a new mindset. It takes practice! If you don't practice positive thinking and self-care, you will always believe your faulty core beliefs. You are better than that. Treat yourself better than that. You are worth it.